


Romeo and Juliet

by Lady_Devinity



Category: Romantically Apocalyptic
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-26
Updated: 2013-02-26
Packaged: 2017-12-03 16:13:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/700154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Devinity/pseuds/Lady_Devinity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The squad is coerced to do the play of 'Romeo and Juliet', but Captain decides to rewrite the ending to the play.</p>
<p>For the RA Valentine's Exchange on fanfiction.net.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Romeo and Juliet

**Author's Note:**

> The Prompt: The squad is coerced to do the play of 'Romeo and Juliet', but Captain decides to rewrite the ending to the play. How is the new ending going to look like? Requested by FadedScribbles.

_**Romeo and Juliet** _

_Dark Lady Devinity_

When Snippy woke up to a beautiful blue velvet dress, he knew it was going to be a bad day. When he realised that he was wearing the dress, he knew it was going to be a really bad day. And when he realised it was a perfect fit? He just gave up and decided to follow through with whatever crazy scheme had entered Captain's head this time.

"You're going to regret waking up." Engie's Russian-accented voice alerted Snippy to the other's presence.

"I always do." The sniper said, sighing. However, when he looked at the engineer, he actually jumped in shock. Engie was wearing an extremely poufy white shirt and tights under his fur-trimmed coat. Snippy was used to Captain and Pilot taking advantage of the fact that he was a heavy sleeper but the two fools had never managed to dress Engie up in his sleep. The engineer slept far too lightly for that.

"What happened to you?" Snippy asked.

"You're not going to ask about what happened to you?"

"Unfortunately, this kind of thing is normal for me."

Engie sighed. "I was violently threatened into wearing this. Apparently its 'zee time of luv and valentines.' In other words, Captain found a copy of _Romeo_ _and_ _Juliet_."

"Oh god." Snippy said. "I'm Juliet, aren't I? Please tell me there's no Romeo. Oh god, please tell me _it's not Pilot._ "

"No, that would be me. Pilot's playing Paris." Engie said.

"And Captain?"

"Everybody else."

**XxX**

The dress had a complicated corset-type back so Snippy didn't know how to take it off. As he was trapped in the dress with no one willing to help him out of it he just accepted that he would have to take part in the play. Engie had already made Captain throw tea at him by refusing to participate so the engineer had quickly given in. Pilot was the most enthusiastic but even he was disappointed. He wanted to play Juliet with Captain as his brave Romeo. Only, zee Captain thought it was cute that Engie and Pilot would have to fight each other over the right to Snippy's love.

It was truly a terrible play too. Pilot was too young and excitable to play the older Paris while Engie was terrible at acting. Disturbingly enough, Snippy discovered that he had a knack for Shakespearean acting. Worse still, the most skillfully done scenes were between Snippy and Captain when Captain was playing the nurse. Although the fight scene between Tybalt, as played by Captain, and Mercutio, as played by Captain, was quite special.

Another reason why the play was so poorly done was the fact that Captain had hidden the proper copy he had found and had written out the play by hand so that everyone had a copy of their own. Captain had terrible penmanship. Snippy couldn't understand how the balcony scene between Romeo and Juliet was supposed to be romantic when Snippy and Engie were both reading directly off of their scripts. On top of that, Captain had omitted much of the original play from his 'improved' copy.

And all of Friar Laurence's lines were in German.

Finally, they reached the scene where Juliet lay in deep sleep in the tomb and Paris and Romeo had their confrontation. Snippy was contemplating taking a quick nap while Engie and Pilot bantered back and forth.

" _By heaven, I love thee better than myself, for I come hither armed against myself. Stay not, be gone, live, and hereafter say a madman's mercy bid thee run away."_ Engie read in the most bored tone ever heard.

" _I do defy thy conjuration and apprehend thee for a shoe here!"_ Pilot yelled in energetic anger, substituting the word 'shoe' for 'felon.'

" _Wilt thou provoke me? Then have at thee, boy."_ Engie droned on. Then he let out a loud, girly scream- the only decent acting he had done all day- as Pilot pulled out his katana and made a swipe at the engineer.

"That's a real sword! This is supposed to be a pretend story!" Engie cried.

"Fight back you cowardly shoe or leave the fair lady shoe to her sleepy times!" Pilot demanded.

Snippy sighed as Captain, playing the page, said, "Stick to your lines mein minions! Like me! ' _O Lord, they fight! I will go call the watch!_ '"

Then Captain meandered off the make-shift stage and sat himself down among the skeleton masses. Snippy had briefly wondered how Captain and Pilot had managed to transport and arrange the skeletal audience to the stage they had built without losing any of the bones. But the sniper did not have long to contemplate the oddities of this particular event in his life because Pilot was still trying to 'pretend' hack Engie to pieces. Engie, meanwhile, had completely given up any idea of acting and was instead running about the stage in a panic. Eventually, Engie dived under the table that had been set up as Juliet's tomb. This would have been fine had Pilot not accidently bumped into the table in his attempt to get to Engie. Snippy flew off the table and landed haphazardly on the ground.

Engie and Pilot froze when Snippy groaned and sat up. Then they both looked at their scripts.

"Fair Juliet, thou art alive?" Engie said, confusion clear in his tone.

Snippy frowned. That wasn't how the play was supposed to go. Engie was supposed to kill Pilot and then himself.

"Yes! Lovely shoe, you have been returned to me!" Pilot said. The aviator sounded annoyed every time he had to act like he liked Snippy.

Snippy looked at his script and cringed. Captain had changed the ending. Flipping through the pages, Snippy saw that he was supposed to suggest everyone take a nap to help handle the stress of finding a zombie Juliet. Then a fairy could come and place magic potion on everyone's eyes so that they all fell in love with donkey-headed men. The donkey headed men would then kill Caesar and be haunted by Banquo.

Captain had fused _Romeo and Juliet_ with _Macbeth, Julius Caesar_ and _A Midsummer's Night Dream._

"Captain, this ending is really long. Won't the audience get bored?" Snippy asked. They had been at this play for some time and he had been hoping it would finish up soon.

"Why would they be bored?" Captain asked. "It's a lovely ending."

By now Engie was flipping through the script as well. "Captain," the engineer said, "I'd be more worried about the audience's bladders. They won't want to go home until the play is over but in the process their bladders will fill until they explode. You don't want skeleton urine everywhere, do you?"

Snippy gave Engie a funny look. Captain, however, seemed to think this was a logical argument as he actually stopped to think about it. Finally, he agreed that Engie was right. Then he told his minions to start at the top of page 332.

"Lark! What a journey that was!" Snippy read aloud.

"Yes. I have learned that it is better to have loved and lost than to commit suicide." Engie said.

"But what of Juliet? She has married you but she is meant to be with me." Pilot complained. Obviously, _Romeo and Juliet_ was not going to be the aviator's favourite play any time soon.

Snippy snorted at his next lines. Captain had a weird idea of romance but- as Juliet had not yet turned fourteen and Romeo was nineteen while Paris was older still- he actually preferred this ending. "I have the answer to your inquiry, dear Paris. I am going to run away and become a Disney Princess, for the donkey headed men told me that that was the best path for me." Snippy said. Then he tossed his script to the side and hurried off the make-shift stage, finally free of the madness that was Captain's idea of Shakespeare.

Engie's body posture clearly expressed disbelief while Pilot was clearly relieved. The play ended with Juliet running off to find freedom. They could all go back to the base.

**XxX**

Later, as everyone settled down to relax for the night, Engie asked Captain why he wanted to put on a performance of _Romeo and Juliet_ when he could have written his own play. Pilot was also curious because he firmly believed that anything Captain wrote was automatically better than anything else that ever existed.

"Oh, silly minions. It's Valentine's Day and Valentine's is the time of love and romance. _Romeo and Juliet_ is the number one romantic play!" Captain explained.

"So why change the ending?" Snippy asked.

Captain paused, gathering his thoughts. This was both disconcerting and distressing. It was disconcerting because Captain could usually respond immediately about why he had done something. It was distressing because Captain was the one undoing the corset-like contraption that had Snippy stuck in the dress and the superior officer had stopped doing so. Snippy wanted out of that dress immediately.

"I don't think it's very romantic when a little child kills herself." Captain said. "She should have grown up to be a princess who talks to fish and spends time with maternal bears while letting her hair grow down to her feet."

Pilot nodded: as usual, he agreed with everything Captain had said. Engie and Snippy was startled at the explanation though. Neither had believed that Captain was capable of such serious thought and Snippy had never expected to agree with Captain on something so serious. But, more importantly, after Captain had expressed himself he went back to undoing Snippy's dress.

As soon as he was free, Snippy jumped up and started to strip in front of everyone. He still had his pants on under the dress so he wasn't concerned with who saw what. Captain laughed and grabbed his sniper around the waist, pulling him down onto his lap. Snippy bwah'ed as he found himself in an unexpected hug.

"Noooo! The shoe's naked germs all getting all over you Captain!" Pilot cried.

"It is the day of love! Captain wants all of the hugs!" Captain bellowed.

"Then hug Pilot and let me go." Snippy said, struggling.

"ALL OF THE HUGS!" Captain demanded.

"Yes sir!" Pilot said before he pushed Engie on top of Snippy. Then Pilot jumped on top of the pile and everyone cuddled for some time even though only half the group was into it.

"Can I put on a shirt now?" Snippy asked.

"If you must." Captain said. "But then we must discuss next year's Valentine's play!"


End file.
